Jaded's not so bad.

Dating after a divorce can be very tricky.

I've realized from many of my friends - both guys and girls, who have gone through a brutal separation - that there are varying degrees of dating intensity and dating timing after a break-up.

There are the people who immediately jump into another long-term relationship.  These are the people that either luck out and find their soulmate right away.....or they just can't bear the thought of being alone for even a second.

Then there are the ones who date a different guy or gal every few months in hopes of finding that next right match.  But sadly each one that they find doesn't suit their desires, so they quickly move on to the next suitor.  With very little time spent alone.

And then...... there's me.

The girl who was jaded.  



For those of you who have followed my blog for the past 4 years, you know that after my divorce, I went through a very dark time.  And during that time, I guess I subconsciously closed off the idea of a future love.  I remember telling friends and family that I would now be single forever - so they would just have to get used to that idea.  I even temporarily toyed with the idea of becoming a nun......but I would definitely be the worst nun ever.  And my halo tips WAY too often......

Anyway it took me months, actually close to half a year, to finally climb out of my dark space and want to get out again.

And when I finally did, my desire wasn't to meet a guy.  As you can imagine, boys were the LAST thing on my mind.  All I wanted to do was to have fun again.  

LOTS of it.

And I did :)  

But somehow, boys snuck into the mix again.....as they always do ;)

So there I was, single and divorced........but dating again.

It was a very confusing time for me though.   The eternal optimist in me wanted so badly to believe in the possibility of a relationship again.  But the jaded side of me kept whispering "don't bother, there's no point".  

It's almost like the 'jade'  was that little evil guy on my shoulder whispering negative comments when I tried so hard to be positive. And his only job was to keep reminding me that it's better.....and safer....to be alone.

Which one would think could make dating seem somewhat pointless, right?

But I dated anyway.

And I NEVER told any of the boys that I was dating how jaded I was.  


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Handsome guy and I had been seeing each other for a couple months and things were going just lovely.  I had forgotten what it felt like to be with someone who made things so fun and so relaxed.  

No matter what we did together, we just always laughed and kissed and enjoyed each other's company. 

But, there always comes a time in a relationship where one wonders what exactly the other person is thinking.  

And that's when the serious questions start to pop up.  And things start to get a little heavy.  

"Have you dated anyone since the divorce?" he asked me one night while we laid in bed talking.

I immediately started to get that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach one gets when a very poignant question is asked.  And I was worried as to where this conversation would go.

"Umm, a bit."  I answered

"And what happened?"  he pressed.

Shoot. 

Ok, there was no way out of this.  It was time for me to get real.  


Well, I had 2 options.  


I could either lie and say that I was the most absolute perfect woman in the entire universe and that it didn't work out with those guys because they just couldn't handle someone so incredibly fabulous and bigger than life.  

OR......I could tell him the truth.  

And tell him that I had the worst opinion of boys based on what happened with my ex-husband.  And that it would probably NEVER work with me and any guy because I was tainted and a complete non-believer in love and the fairy tale ending.  And that most likely I was sabotaging every single relationship that I had been in......because it was easier for me to just love myself....and be alone.


But I couldn't possibly say all that.  

So instead I said....


"I guess.....I'm just a little jaded.  And I hate saying that, because I hate that word, but I guess that's what I am".

And with that said, I didn't dare look at him.  

I had already confessed something that I felt was so profound that I had not admitted to anyone else, and I was afraid to let him know any more ugliness about me, so I refused to look in his eyes.  God forbid he look into my goddam soul and learn anything else 'real' about me that night.  

So I just continued staring at the ceiling until he spoke.  IF he spoke....

He was quiet for about 5 seconds (I counted).....but it felt like 5 hours.


And then he finally said, "Jaded's not so bad."


And then he pulled me close to him, right onto his chest, and wrapped his big arm around me.


After another 5 seconds he said.....

"So.... we're like dating right?"

I finally looked up at him and the biggest smile came over my face. I snickered and said, "Yup."  

He looked down at me and said, "I'm not dating anyone else.  Let's just date each other, ok?" 

I bit my lower lip and nodded and kept smiling.

"Ok."  I whispered.

And after we kissed, I put my head back on his chest.




And as I started falling asleep, I realized that he was right.  


Being jaded wasn't so bad.  



And maybe dating wasn't so bad either ;)